Dr. Know it All

Doctor Know-It-All is the amusing adaptation of the Grimm’s Fairy Tale about a poor Fish who wishes to become richer and more educated. With the help of his doctor and a hand-painted sign, Fish becomes Doctor Know-It-All! He is immediately hired to help a baroness find her stolen money. Hilarity ensues as the doctor inadvertently apprehends the thieves, making him wealthy and renowned! The perfect fairy tale for all ages to enjoy!

Andy Pavey is a commissioned playwright, who writes short plays for Drama Notebook. He is a student who attends UWC-USA. He previously spent nine years with Davenport Junior Theatre, the second-oldest children’s theatre in the United States, where he acted in productions, managed the props building, and wrote plays for young actors to perform. In addition to writing, Andy is an avid backpacker!

Excerpt from the play:

CAST OF CHARACTERS

Fish
Doctor
Gerta
Baroness/ Baron
Child 1
Child 2
Servant 1
Servant 2
Servant 3
Servant 4

Author’s note: the BARONESS can be either a girl or a boy. Please edit the script accordingly if this is the case.

At rise: FISH is handing money to the DOCTOR. An easel sits nearby. On the other side of the stage, unlit, sits a dinner table, chairs, and a stove. FISH is dressed in plain peasant’s clothes and the DOCTOR is dressed in typical medical attire.

FISH
I’m dreadfully sorry my payment is late, dear Doctor. I’m a poor man. I make just a few shillings a day.

DOCTOR
Oh, it’s no problem to me at all. Maybe I should prescribe you some Advil? Tylenol? Do you have a broken leg? I can help with that.

FISH
You joke, but I couldn’t dream of affording all that medicine.

DOCTOR
I wasn’t joking.

FISH
If only I was a rich, educated man. Like a lawyer, or a CEO, or a banker, or a –

DOCTOR
Doctor? Why, becoming a doctor is easy. My good friend Doctor Oz was in the same place as you a few years ago, and just look at him now.

FISH
But… but… I don’t even know how to read, much less perform heart surgery! How will I be able to become a doctor?!

DOCTOR
Fish. Listen to me. Here’s what you have to do. First of all, buy an ABC book with an illustration of a rooster inside. Then, paint a sign with the words “I Am Doctor Know-It-All.”

FISH
Wait… you’re telling me Doctor Oz did this?! And it worked?!

DOCTOR
That’s not important. Trust me. It’s a foolproof plan, Fish.

FISH
Oh, geez. I mean, my name is Fish. No one named Fish has ever done anything great.

DOCTOR
Can’t argue with that. But it also can’t hurt to try.

The DOCTOR places a giant cardboard sign with the words “I Am Doctor Know-It-All” on the easel. The sign can be stashed on the ground or behind a set piece before it is used.

DOCTOR
There. When people see such an official sign, they won’t even question whether or not you are a real doctor! Can you believe it?!

The DOCTOR steps aside.

DOCTOR (to the audience)
Welcome to the world of medicine, ladies and gentlemen.

The DOCTOR bows, then exits. FISH stares at the sign as GERTA, his wife, enters and crosses to look at the sign.

GERTA
Fish? What is this sign? What does it say?

FISH
It says “I Am Doctor-Know-It-All.”

FISH and GERTA talk quietly to themselves as the BARONESS and her two CHILDREN enter.

CHILD 1
What are we going to do?!

CHILD 2
What are we going to do?!

The CHILDREN collapse in a heap on the floor, wailing. The BARONESS looks unimpressed and stares blankly at the audience.

BARONESS
Children! Get up this instant! You are acting like buffoons.

CHILD 1
Buffoons?!

CHILD 2
I’m not a buffoon! I’m not a buffoon!

BARONESS
Our money troubles have driven you mad, children. It’s pathetic.

CHILD 2
We only have a small loan of a million dollars left!

CHILD 1
We’re using our rainy day fund, but it’s sunny outside! That’s so sad!

The CHILDREN begin to wail melodramatically again.

BARONESS
I think I just threw up a little.

The BARONESS strolls past FISH and GERTA, then turns around, having noticed the sign.

BARONESS
Who is this “Doctor Know-It-All?”

FISH
I am. I’m Doctor Know-It-All. It’s me.